The sun just pulled up high enough into the sky to strongly focus its warm intense beams into the room through the big wall of windows (OK they are more like small glass paned multiple door panels but that is not as pleasant sounding as windows and I’m trying to create a mood here, so just picture in your mind big pretty windows instead of the luxurious glass double doors I really have… ooooooo wait… luxurious glass double doors, that sounds as good as windows… ok ok, big-lux-sun-glass–door, you get the picture, lets move on with the mood making shtick so we can get to the point of this thing).
Suddenly an intense bright light shot through the slats of the blinds on the luxurious glass double doors and filled the room with dozens of straight line light beam patterns that bounced off the floor and walls. (moody eh?) In seconds my house turned from quiet early morning to daytime. The dog rolled over burrowing his head deeper under his blanket. A couple of the cats quickly discovered the new sun beams and sprawled on the cozy warm rug contorting their stretched bodies to avoid any of the shadows (about here is when I normally would cut the mood crap and start getting to the point… not sure that will happen today).
The sunlight reflected off my computer screen with an intensity that reminded me of my old neighborhood creepy bully melting ants under a magnifying glass on a scorching summer sidewalk. I squinted in fear of the light boring holes into my pupils. I had been typing away, virtually yammering on, about bugs, babies and bureaucrats trying to cobble together some sort of humorous tale to follow up my somewhat somber blog last week. It wasn’t working.
The light caused me to look away and think about what I was writing. Does anyone really want to hear me compare the enjoyability of the current presidential race to babies crying in an expensive restaurant or to the mosquito bite that is about an inch north west of my most private of personal parts on that soft tender patch of skin just below the underwear line. Actually, it’s hard to believe but that bug bite might even be even more irritating than that last presidential debate.
I don’t know how I got a damn mosquito bite on that sensitive spot but man oh Manischewitz, its ultra-crazy over-the-top itchy. The problem is I can’t scratch it anytime around another human because it would look like I was reaching into my pants towards my most private of personal parts in public. Now maybe I could get away with that if I was a droopy pants street corner thug or a slightly slow late blooming toddler but if a grown middle-aged dorky bald guy scratches his naughty bits in public, it’s kinda Creeper City USA. Too much of that behavior and the CSI /NICS folks will be q-tipping my car trunk for missing person body part residue (hmmm, maybe I did not need the mood making sun/window stuff if all I’m gonna do is talk about under the pants near naughty bits scratching).
I can only imagine how darn bad it would look if a co-worker caught me scratching away like a maniac just inside the front of my pants with a decidedly relieved look slapped on my face. Of course I would most certainly deny that I was publicly personal part prodding but at that point no one would ever believe me. That would be like trying to get the disgusted driver in the car next you to believe you were not picking your nose when they looked over and caught you doing a single index finger side of the nose scratch. I can hear it now. “Oh don’t look at me that way. It was a simple scratch. If you don’t believe me, you can get out of your comfy car, come over here and inspect my hand for nasal residue because there is none to be found!!! And further more Mr. Snide Guy in the car next to me, while I’m proving to you that my finger was ‘next to’ and not ‘in my’ nose, kindly ignore that my other hand is shoved into the top of my pants scratching an uncontrollable itch an inch away from my male reproductive body parts!!”
The sun was making it hard to sit there writing this mess and even though I knew this blog entry needed some work, I got up to fetch a cup of coffee and mull things over. I like a good morning mull with my coffee. My brain wandered and quickly my inner-head voices collided. The Narrator of my blog started chatting with snide Parenthesis Aside Comment Guy. They both urged me to start this thing over.
I pleaded with the voices. Do you know how much time I have already invested in this? We are on the ninth paragraph already. They did not care. I tried pulling the wacky John Belushi Animal House German’s bomb Pearl Harbor motivational interpretation of the famous ‘when the going gets tough’ speech on them but the voices in my head would not change their opinion. Eventually the light had shifted enough that I could sit back down and comfortably continue writing. I wrestled back control of the Narrator voice from inside my head and started typing with it again but Parenthesis Comment Boy kept questioning what I was doing.
Yeah, I said, there was not really a point in here (see!). But that does not mean its bad (what?). It’s kind of a Seinfeld-esque study in making something out of nothing (your stretching and you know you stole that nose pick thing from an episode of that show). I think it is entertaining prose and good enough to go with (bullshit).
People will love it; I’m not changing a single word. I’ll throw it up there on the old internet for the world to read and you will see (throw up is the right term…and you realize you’re talking to yourself). Yeah (in public, in print, for all the world to see). So (well, I know you do it all the time inside your head but you do not normally share your internal monologue with the world). Is that a bad thing oh wise, know it all Parenthesis-Boy voice in my head (kinda yeah).
(People already think your nuts and this might push them to really worry about you). It’s better to be a nutty guy with debating voices in his head than a nasty perv reaching into his pants to scratch an itch (neither is good.). Oh, well than how do I get out of this? (Just write a little bit more about the light in the room calming down, cut your losses and go. Besides your readership is down; people will be preoccupied this week by the hurricane and Halloween). True, even my FACEBOOK friends seem to be paying way more attention to creepy clowns and caustic candidates then to my little old blog. (Maybe you will be lucky and no one will read this confusing mess) It’s not that bad is it? (yeah, it is).
The sun moved higher up into the sky and the beams of light moved out of the room. The cats flashed me that what did you do look, as if I had some control over their disappearing sunlight. The dog popped his head out from under the blanket. I typed a brief ending (not soon enough), took some Benadryl and moved on with the rest of my day.