My wife and I are one of those couples that I think sometimes really annoys other people. It is not on purpose or anything but we can see it in your expressions. No, we don’t have screaming children that we let inappropriately run around like howling monkeys atop of charging Pamplona bulls and no we are not all pie in the sky lovey dovey to the point that folks around us throw-up just a little bit into their mouths and no we don’t play the self-important ‘I can top everything in your life’ game whenever someone else attempts to tells a story.
What we do is often finish each other’s sentences and amuse ourselves by sharing inside jokes and glances. We love to socialize but in big groups we often end up sort of off to ourselves whispering snarky comments to each other. Of course remember, just because we are looking right at you while snickering I am sure we ARE NOT making fun you! We likely are just making fun of that guy right behind you… really, swear. Worst of all to the other humans around us, we truly enjoy each other’s company. Other more bickery couples hate to see that, you know, the whole misery loves company thing. But no, me and the wife, or the wife and I or ‘the two-headed D monster’ are good… well except when we are not.
When it comes to our relationship, Dawn and I often debate about who got the better deal. I know I can be a bit difficult to deal with. Ask my family, I have a bit of a reputation for elevating annoying and obnoxious behavior to an art form. I mean, I have a good side but I can be a bit much to handle.Like occasionally I get wound up by silly things. Like a few weeks ago when I looked into my Mom’s refrigerator and discovered eggs stamped with a freshness date. Now I am not talking about the box of eggs having a ‘good till’ date on it. I am talking about each individual egg having a ‘use by’ date and code number right on each one. I had never seen this before. I buy eggs all the time. Is this new? Is this regional? Do old people in Florida need freshness stamped eggs because they can’t remember when they bought them? “Ehhhh I don’t know Honey, I think I bought those eggs during the Carter administration.” Come on, we all know those real old ladies that douse themselves in multiple bottles of the nastiest reeking perfume because their sense of smell does not work anymore and they spray and spray till they can catch a whiff of themselves but I think even Granny Stinks-A-Lot can pick off the smell of a rotten egg in the fridge. It does not need to be stamped.
I continued to make a scene. At the time it struck me as another sign that as a society we are fast approaching the apocalypse. I mean, take a step back and think about this, we are now stamping actual eggs with a freshness date. That’s crazy. We are wasting time, energy and money not to mention potentially poisoning the egg with creepy red dyes by physically stamping each egg. Do we need this? You can’t just look on the carton when you buy them. We needed to design a machine to stamp a date on each individual egg or possibly pay some under age migrant children to hand stamp them. Oooo yeah wait a minute. We don’t even need to pay them, kids love playing with stickers and stamps and crap. “Just don’t stamp too hard, Lil’ Anarkali.” I bet as we speak someone is trying to invent an ink-stamp and dye that can be cheaply shoved inside a chicken so it craps out the egg prestamped with the use by date.
So yeah, I tend to go off in wacky tangents sometimes. Yet my lovely wife puts up with it. I run off on the occasional guy’s trip to Vegas and my lovely wife puts up with it. I sometimes over indulge in food and drink and my lovely wife puts up with it. I sit and spend hours each week writing a goofy blog and my wife puts up with it. Yeah, I got the better end of the deal.