It happened again the other day, the same way it has happened a couple of zillion times before. The innocuous weather conversation came up. I was standing in a waiting area chit chatting with a stranger. The brief conversation hit the inevitable ‘we have nothing in common’ lull and I naturally went for the easy point of context we all share. I found myself bringing up the weather. “Well you know how the weather is in _______ (insert the name of your State) if you don’t like it, just wait five minutes and it will change.” Google that line with your region in the blank and then try it again with EVERY region in the blank and you will get dozens of matches. It is ridiculous; everybody says the exact same thing about everywhere. It is totally meaningless yet there I was saying those exact s words.
Having been a human my whole life, I feel uniquely qualified to confidently say we all share many, many similar experiences, emotions and events. There are mountains of common ground topics between people to talk about. The weather is probably the lamest, easiest one to bring up to extend a conversation with a stranger. Number two is likely some variation of the fact that we all get more aches and pains as we grow older. We all experience it and it’s a hard point to argue.
In a blog a few years ago I told the story about noticing my hand vibrating/shaking occasionally when I used small tools. Around the same time I saw an interview with Michael J. Fox talking about the earliest sign of his Parkinson’s disease being his scripts slightly vibrated when he tried to tightly grasp them. Suddenly I was positive I had the early stages of Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s. I kept my positive Parkinson’s paranoia to myself as I feared the worst for my future. I convinced myself I had Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s.
Then months later on a cold rainy morning a woman at work was complaining to me about a similar thing. I listened intently worried how she was dealing with her early onset of Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s but then she mentioned in that weather her arthritis usually flares up. The bell went off in my thick skull. ARTHRITIS!!!!! ARTHRITIS!!!! Yes! Never before has a man been so happy to realize he had the early stages of arthritis. I mean, it sucks, but it is way better than Michael J. Fox Parkinson’s. Arthritis is just another part of getting older; something else to talk about with strangers instead of the weather. I’m comfortable commenting that my arthritis is flaring up to anyone; I don’t think I could randomly bring up that I have Michael J. Fox Parkinson’s while making small talk to that guy in a waiting room.
I thought of all this today because as I get older I do have various aches and pains that I never had to deal with when I was young. I lived around a lot of older people when I moved to a condo in Miami back when I was in High School. I got very used to hearing long conversations that basically consisted of each person trying to top the other with their various pains, aches, conditions and diseases. Those folks were well practiced in their bitching and griping; I have no doubt they easily could have found a way to bring up Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s to a stranger in a waiting room.
Instead of saying my weather comment the other day when making small talk I could have been like the old folks in my Miami condo and brought up a particular pain that had me freaked out for the past week, but I’m not sure how appropriate it would have been. I’m not sure how appropriate it is to mention it here but that rarely stops me. You see, I’m currently just as freaked out as I was when I convinced myself I had Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s except the area in question is a bit personal. It is centered in an area that only men have and that most woman find the least attractive on men. Ummmm, let’s see if I can politely make this clearer… although my male dog used to have that area, he currently does not since he was neutered. Got it! OK For propriety sake, I will from here onward refer to the area using the pleasant and inoffensive term ‘bight rall’.
So long story short (if that is possible at this point) about a week ago I wake up and my bight rall hurts. I have experienced pain in my bight rall before, but usually it is when some harm has befallen the bight rall region. Years ago a friend that worked in a library told a dramatic story and during one of her arm flails a large book crashed into my bright rall and doubled me over. A similar accident with the same result happened to me during a pick-up basketball game. The point is, I know what the normal external accidental poke to my bight rall feels like. This is different and it has lasted for several days. I can’t stop obsessing over my bight rall. Even though I rationally know nothing is wrong, I’m going Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s paranoid over my bight rall.
I have a lovely doctor; she is a very nice lady. I know if this persists I will have to make an appointment to show her my painful bight rall. Since she is the opposite sex, I know she has to have an additional person in the room when examining delicate areas like bight ralls. Now I know I should not think this way but I really want this to get better on its own because I do not want to stand in a crowded room with my bight rall hanging out being embarrassingly poked and prodded just to be told it’s not bight rall cancer or a bight rall tumor, or bight rall Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s but just a bight rall bonk induced discomfort.
So yes, instead of the weather I could have said to that guy in the waiting room what was really on my mind. “Boy growing older is a bitch, some days even my bight rall aches.” But maybe that would have been worse than the old weather changing here line. Of course after obsessing for days about this it finally hit me last night what might have been the cause. In an attempt lose some of my tonnage, before I went out for my 4 ½ mile early morning jog the other day I added a hundred crunches and 200 jumping jacks to my routine. That is the only thing different I have done. I hope maybe I just inadvertently scrunched something. I sure hope that’s it. Because I don’t think even those professional senior citizen complainers from my Miami condo could find a way to casually bring up to that stranger in the waiting area that they have Michael .J Fox Parkinson’s in a bight rall.
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