Oh man. Oh Man! CRAP! My world has been shaken. I mean I really now have cause to question just about everything in my life. I’m now wondering will the sun rise in the morning? Is red, my favorite color, really as I see it? What about my whole religious belief system? SHIT. Nothing makes sense anymore. I did not need this in my life right now. Not today, not now. Dammit. And it is all because of that friggin’ Food Network.

I mentioned the Food Network last week. My wife and I love to cook so that station gets a lot of airplay at the house (following that logic I can not explain why we also watch those lame sell your house shows on HGTV because home repair is miserable and moving is about as much fun as an afternoon bound and hooded in an Afghanistan mountain cave with two Taliban torturers). Since we are both attempting to lose a little weight (talk about a Taliban torture, I hate that it is once again time to reign in my ever-expanding gut girth) we should probably turn those damn cooking shows off. Watching them right now is definitely akin to an alcoholic working in a bar or a coulrophobic* working in a circus.

I also stated last week that I hate admitting that I am a bit of a Foodie because not only is it an embarrassing thing to say but the concept is just not that impressive. Being a Foodie, or ‘fan of food’ as Webster describes it, is not much of an accomplishment. It truly is the goofiest and laziest of all hobbies; we all eat. I like breathing too. Does that make me a ‘breathie’? I’m not sure being an ‘amateur gourmet’ is anything to be proud of. Of course being a dieting Foodie is even more ridiculous. But I, as usual, digress and throwing the brakes on my insatiable appetite is not why my universe has suddenly been thrust into turmoil.

No, what has me in a tizzy is pots and pans. I do not remember my Mom teaching me about pots and pans. I do not remember a class in school going over pots and pans. I do not remember anyone in my 46 years teaching me about pots and pans. As far as I can remember pots have just always been pots and pans have always been pans. Just like men are men and women are women or cats are cats and dogs are dogs. It is inarguable common knowledge.

When I moved in with my wife I noticed one of her quirks was that she called certain size pans ‘pots’. I was quick to correct this silly faux pax of hers. She also has some strange beliefs about driving laws too. I just tossed the pot as pan thing into that cute quirky colloquialism category. I mean come on, a pot is a pot and a pan is a pan. Or is it?

Saturday night I got home from work and my wife told me I needed to watch the TiVo’ed Alton Brown’s Good Eats show at the 10 minute mark. I waited till after I was done watching my college lose a close football game so I was good and weak. There it was. A casual aside as Alton walked down the isle in a cookware shop. Those words that will now forever cause me to question everything that I ‘just assumed’ to be fact. All the things that, of course, just ‘are’.

I somehow had gotten into my core beliefs that a pan is a low sided wider then tall cooking apparatus and a pot is a higher sided taller then wider cooking tool. But I had to eat eight years of crow. My wife, according to Alton Brown who everybody on the planet respects, likes and trusts, was right. According to him a pot is deeper then it is wide and has two handles. A pan has one handle. What?!?!? These things I sat on the floor banging with spoons when I was a baby, these things that I boiled water in for the first time in my life as a preteen, these things that I use practically everyday are not pots but are in fact pans!!!!!

How could I not know the difference between a pot and pan. It’s such basic information. How much other simple knowledge am I wrong about that I have spent my whole life assuming I knew. Are you supposed to stop at green lights? Am I sitting on toilets correctly? Am I worshiping the wrong God? I have been assuming I know the answers but I do not remember learning these things either. Have I been just making assumptions for so long that they have become fact in my head? Life is hard enough in these turbulent times. I did not need this. I should go to sleep… I just hope I am doing that right.




About mrdvmp

Mr DVMP spends his days breathing, eating and sleeping.
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